The year was 2017. I was going through the worst break up. The pain and heartbreak was insane that I lost so much weight. I kept asking myself, I'm a good person, why would I go through so much pain. I blamed myself for that hurt, for choosing wrong, for not protecting myself. I used to be really soft. And maybe that was the one reason people would treat me the way they did, or so I thought. So I changed, I am still soft but with some pinch of roughness. Did that change anything, not really. Do I still get hurt? Yes. Do people still treat me like shit? Yes.
Figures. It's a song by Jessie Reyez. If there's one time a song really hit hard then it was in 2017. I had just dragged myself out of a toxic relationship that left me completely out of touch with myself and for the longest time I was operating on auto pilot. That relationship was some serious character development. The aftermath left me a totally different person in a messy way. It was baptism by fire. On the positives, I became outspoken instead of the quite girl I was. I stopped letting things slide and immediately call out any type of mistreatment. I learnt to communicate better. I stopped letting relationships define who I am and became my own person. On the negatives, it left me with demons that still play with me till date. Some that I have managed to burry deep down and some that I still cant talk about.
You could have thought I learnt my lesson. Yeah right. One thing has never changed. I still give my all. I don't know how to offer bare minimum. Especially if I'm really attracted to that person. I do reciprocate what I get in return, but that just depends on the effort of the other person. If I feel loved and wanted then I'm all in, with everything I've got. But you know it has become a cycle. You meet someone and they give you this picture that makes you feel like they really do want you. With no time you are hit with the, "you are a great woman and you deserve so much more". Bullshit. " You should be with someone who is able to give you the world" Yeah you damn right! But why after I invested in you?
The most annoying part is the questions.
"Why you single?"
"You really beautiful are you sure you don't have someone?"
You're kind and understanding, any man would be lucky to be with you.
After the questions and the statements, comes the sympathy, "Don't worry you'll find someone."
You'll be thriving in your life so peacefully, no stress, unbothered and then a son of Pharaoh will show up and have the audacity to disrupt you in your element talking about he likes you and would like to have something meaningful with you. Like you were just chilling, vibing to your own energy but noo, Satan just had to do his work. Then the moment you get invested, boom! Jasper! Mans ghosts you and you left wondering, the hell? You approached me, you wanted me but now I'm the one left asking myself questions? Make it make sense. It's like you are the test. Experiment for men to test and challenge their egos, their authority and to the extent to what they can put you through.
So here's the thing or rather the discovery I've made so far is that I never really get the happy ending. I'm not the girl that gets chosen, the girl that gets the relationship or even the girl that gets wifed up. As much as I would want these things, for someone to look at me like I'm the best decisions they ever made, for someone not to want to ever loose me, like I'm the world, it just never gets there. I'm just the girl that's good to talk to, to lean on, to have a good time with or the type to just boost their ego. It's just not how it works for me. I've found myself so many times stressing my head out by thoughts of what is it about me that is not enough? I will sit and sink myself in thoughts of comparison to the girl that got chosen, to the girl that got all that I wished he could for me, to the girl that received treatment that I begged him for, the girl that got the reciprocated feelings, the affection, the commitment, the girl that got the MAN.
Even though we have made it clear quite a number of times that male validation is something that doesn't determine your worth, I still wondered what I lacked. Was I not beautiful enough or sexy enough? Okay, don't focus on physical appearance. Fine, was I not cool enough, was I not understanding enough, was I not respectful, did I not offer my all? Why was I not enough for this? Why did they have to hurt me? Why?
I know so many peeps can relate to this. Male or female. You have been in a constant state of doubting yourself, downgrading your worth or feeling like you can never be enough for someone. You could be single or in a relationship. It's even worse when you are in a relationship and you feel like its not a home. You are giving your 100 but receiving the bare minimum. The moment you go numb is when you start contemplating leaving. Its one thing to feel the hurt and not being able to move past it but when you start feeling numb about the pain and the things that used to hurt you don't break you anymore then you know its an indication to leave.
If you are single, stop thinking you are not loveable and you'll never find your person. Here's the truth about you, you are so amazing and perfect just the way you are that the universe can't allow you to have bare minimum. You are special that it took God extra time to create just the perfect mate for you. Trust His timing. He hasn't forgotten you. Relax. If you were to ask me now if I would rather have loved and lost or not loved at all in the past despite my heart being shattered so many times? I would still choose to love. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but I recently read a quote somewhere that said "They weren't better than you, they're just better for them."
"I'm willing to stay cause I'm sick for your love.
Figures"
So awesome,so deep,,,, good work 🔥
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