We Were Almost There..

I remember the first time I saw him, or rather the first time I decided to notice him. He had been around for a long time but for some reason I never seemed to notice him till that day. Tall..like the tall I like. light chocolate and definitely a hunk! He had this glow and a confused look all the time but cute anyway.

Every time I saw him I found myself in a state of mind that I couldn't quit. I didn't even know his name and I was crashing hard. With every passing day, and every single time I accidentally saw him, I just kept on floating. Floating in his presence that I couldn't even have yet. At some point I forgot he existed. I chose to. Until that particular day a mutual friend introduced us at a certain event. And if God just did get the timing right then it was at that particular moment. I was single. I thought to myself, couldn't this be any better?

During that whole event, we got to talk about anything and everything. The importance of the event didn't even matter anymore. It was until I got home that I remembered this guy didn't even ask for my number. I cursed him for that. How could he not ask for my number? Am a super awesome human being! Well, as luck would have it, one day my phone brightens up with a strange number and of course it had to be him. To hell with where he got my number, he was texting me and that was heaven enough for me.

I just kept on floating. Floating in his presence that I couldn't even have yet

We started chatting frequently. Late night chats past midnight and exchanging memes, pictures and all that stuff (if you want a way to a girls heart then use memes :). You'll thank me later.) For some reason we never scheduled our meetings. We just happened to bump into each other or should I say coincidentally. Every time we met, I couldn't help it but just be high in him. But still always tried to act cool, you know, like yeah whatever, you get me? One single thing that pushed me of my feet was the fact that he was touchy. The good kinda touchy. In public. And I was a fool to believe that was a good sign.

We would chill together most of the time just endlessly talking and doing silly stuff. We would sometimes drive around town and beyond with no particular reason or destination and it was everything to me. But just to be clear, he never took me out to a proper date, like a date. It flattered me that he's friends could notice the chemistry between us and even give him those code signals that guys do when they see one of their boy with a cute chiq. You know it just recently hit me that these codes and signals could mean so many things. (May God strike them with lightning) Ladies be aware. Just because they know you doesn't mean you the one. You could be the one for so many other reasons.

We had reached to a point that I felt we need to have that talk. I mean wasn't it obvious there was something going on? But I've always learned not to assume things. He opened up about his feelings which still wasn't concrete but that was fine by me. The little I had was enough. For me I was in another world. In this world where we could be that couple. You know, couple goals. A girl still has got to guard her heart. So I had to be careful about my emotions going overboard. I thought we were on the same page. I was wrong. He had other intentions. And once he realized that his motives couldn't push through, everything changed. I thought we could still change the path. But no. Not for him.

He was hot and then cold. He was there. And then he wasn't there. He wanted to stay but also leave. Mind games

Some days we were good. Some days were plain and boring. He was the type who believed that he couldn't possibly fall for this perfect girl, but in the process he did and it was just pissing him off. You know those kind of people? So every damn time, we were almost getting there, but just in a glimpse, we get back to square one. He was hot and then cold. He was there. And then he wasn't there. He wanted to stay but also leave. Mind games. He just wanted me to be around but I wanted more. There are days we could chat great and there were days it felt like I shouldn't have talked to him. Days will pass without us talking and endless late night chats turned to awkward convos that ended prematurely.

I was evolving around this tornado that was him and I hated myself for it. I knew I should sign out of this damaging space but I couldn't. I just craved for him more. I knew he was like the rest. Twins even. But I still chose to believe he could be different. They were days he would be that man I believe he was and there were days he was the total jerk. And guess what, it was okay! Its hard resisting a bad boy who is also a good man. Trust me. I lived for those days and moments he showed me the better side of the coin. Until calls went unanswered, texts not replied and I was left there over thinking. Always stalking his social media to see what he's up to. Checking his last seen and getting crushed every time that my texts were blue ticked. You know the feeling. He just left. With no goodbye. No notice. Just woke up one day and he wasn't there.

I wondered how I landed in that position in the first place, but definitely I knew the answer. I was vulnerable. I was so off balance than when I was caught off guard I couldn't get my gravity. I knew the kind of energy I was getting myself into but I didn't care. Till I was drowning in my thoughts and hating myself over and over again that I couldn't protect myself from this even though I tried. I chose not to. I had to get over someone who was never mine. I had to get over the fantasy that we could be the perfect match. I had to get over a man who was never there from the beginning. He was fine, perfectly like I never existed. I had to force myself to act like nothing happened. Like I didn't care. And yeah, one day you wake up and you like f*** this! Move on. I had to get over the fact that we were almost there.

I was evolving around this tornado that was him and I hated myself for it. I knew I should sign out of this damaging space but I couldn't. I just craved for him more. I knew he was like the rest. Twins even. But I still chose to believe he could be different

Many girls I know can relate to this. It happens. But life moves on right? So sorry if am too critical, sorry I overthink everything you say, and every compliment. Am sorry I cant believe what you say, or just not feeling your vibe. Am sorry I don't want to go with your flow. I just don't know how to break my walls any more for a guy. I just don't have the energy for "Almost" anymore. Why cant people just be straight forward? Its either you in or you out. Save my time as well as yours. If you know you not planning to stay, don't interrupt in the first place. Ladies, never assume those signs a guy shows you, they are real. You know the ones he never talked about? There's always a red flag. Don't ignore them.

People just don't want to commit anymore. No one is willing to be vulnerable or naked with their true feelings cause of the fear of them coming out clingy or so emotional.  You got to act like you don't care because it so cool. No one wants to be real cause it doesn't exist anymore. Isn't that so draining? We are so willing to mess up a good thing because we don't want the energy of having have to commit. Then its much more easier to walk away not caring at all of the damage done.

Modern dating so complicated nowadays.