Just Somebody That I Used To Know

So have been thinking..
Who am I kidding? Thinking? No, its been in my head for a while now. Months, weeks or days maybe but definitely not years. Okay fine, have been thinking. About you. About them. It isn't just you..it’s you plus them. Two or maybe more. But for now let’s just focus on you.


Life was sweet. We had a great thing going on. We were just floating on cloud 29 forget about cloud 9. We couldn't stay apart from each other for long, distance could have finished us.  It was all about love in our own world. It felt heaven being part of your world. I couldn't imagine me without you. My head made so many plans for us . For our future which I always thought would be a dream come true.  Then the temperature  started falling. I could ask myself several times what’s happening but I never had an answer. We started drifting apart. Everything just went south. It reached a point and I gave up. I couldn't hold on any longer. As usual I was always the first one to leave. You said I give up too fast, but why would I fight yet you gave me all the reason to let go.

                                                             *****

All you'd ever hear me say, is how I picture me with you. That’s all you ever hear me say. I can't say you being part of my life was a regret. I would be lying even though right now I want to scrap you off. It was all wonderful and amazing until she came into the picture. You thought I never knew but darling every time you called me "baby" I knew I wasn't the only one. Call me crazy or insane or absurd but it was always what you did that kept me off my head. The pain was unbearable, the heartache was too much. So I left. I mean how was I going to force myself into a situation of fighting for you? Not me. I made a choice and moved on.

                                                                 *****

I remember all the insults that you threw at me. All the ugly words that you called me. All the time that you made me hate myself. Every time that you degraded me. Funny thing is I always came back thinking that today he might be in a good mood. I mean he "loves" me right? Sometimes you were sweet and made me feel like the I was the only girl in the world. Till the day you showed me I wasn’t "good enough". That she was better than me. Prettier than me. And she was all you ever wanted in a lady. You stabbed me and you didn't care. I felt like the world hated me. Like I was nothing. I hated myself more. It actually feels good writing this with no bitterness, like am about to cry. Cause am over you. And am glad you out of the big picture.

                                                                *****

You such a perfect man! I mean how could I even think that you can be the mischievous one. Cheeky. A perfect liar. So let’s say I was foolish enough to let you back into my life. This time I thought you have matured up. Shock on me. It was either she or her. And still you kept on lying right in front of me with no shame. I always wanted to believe you. Well my heart always believed you. But my mind wouldn't. I was at cross roads. My friends kept on telling me to open eyes. But it’s like I didn't want to. I chose to be blind. Not by love but by my own choice. Love can never make you blind. Since when? It’s a choice. So the harsh reality woke me up and made me realize that am a scheme for someone else's heartbreak. That wasn't fair. So I left.

                                                              *****

I've learnt so much from you. But I wouldn't say you've changed me or made me stronger. That was my own personal choice. I didn't want to write this cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't but you still hit my phone up. Every time I let you in, but you always keep on draining me. Sometimes I go though our conversations and am like "What is this?" "Am I really sober?" Of course I am but I just choose to be drunk in your lies and pretense. I keep on asking myself what am I really holding on? And I just get a blank space. So I made a choice. For real this time because I keep on tripping all the time.

I've deleted your number and message threads over and over again but you still manage to find your way in. Cause I let you. Am tired of you telling me how much you "miss me". Am tired of you telling me how much you "need me". It’s about time you stop telling me that we should hang out some time or have coffee. Am sick of having meaningless conversations that have no direction. Hunny I would be moving on but I feel you should be something I don't want to hold back. You should know that.

People say we should let go of the past but there are some past that you just can't forget cause you know they will destroy your future. You put them behind you but be sure to never let them interfere with your present and your future. You..plus them should be and will be my past cause you block my future.

Am not just doing this for me. I want to be courage to someone else who feels they should do the same too. I know and I have met  heartbroken women and men who are holding on to "hope" that doesn't exist. Don't keep on trying to change someone because you don't like the reality of the situation. You either keep up with them or walk away. I mean you chose them..you knew what you were getting yourself into. Change is a personal choice. You chose who you want to be with. Sometimes am okay with the mistakes I made. Sometimes am not cause I learnt the hard way. No one would love to experience that. But as they say, experience is the best teacher. Such experiences have taught me how to guard my heart. I always try to remind my friends that. Some times you have to look out for yourself.

It doesn't matter what he did. It just depends with how much you willing to forgive; yeah and how strong enough you are to let go. Its not your role as a woman to handle a man who doesn't deserve you cause someone somewhere lied to you that "men will always be men" No..I disagree. We have so many good and REAL men out here. Don't fall for less of what you deserve. Cut off connections that you feel aint adding any value to yourself. Let go of people who just add toxic to your life.

Value yourself. A real woman knows her worth. Love yourself first. And the good and right man will come knocking.

"Most us of us have had the ability to choose the hardworking, caring man that has a God fearing love within him. But we don’t choose those guys. Hell, I almost didn’t choose mine. Sometimes they don’t come with the shiny new job. Or the “cool factor”. Sometimes they aren’t the bad boys. Sometimes they are the virgins. The ones we reject because we don’t like their style. The list can go on forever. Either way. We make choices. And those choices determine what life looks like." 

                                                                                           -from Ifie Natasha’s blog
Read more of this article here: You Choose Your Man

Life is all about choices. Never choose to be the victim. Be wise and true to yourself. We all deserve to be happy. Happiness is getting true love. I believe it exists!

God bless!